Reaching back

As a lot in my life comes full circle, I posted a link on my old LiveJournal redirecting here, and unknowingly did it exactly 6 years to the day of my last post there. There are so many memories good and bad when I go through those old posts. So many that as I type this I only went there to post the link, like 4 hours ago. Luckily I fell asleep doing laundry so I won't look half-jumped by Mr. Dead tomorrow at work.

So as I slowly sew together the varying threads of my once tattered life, I feel hope and enthusiasm that writing will get me through it, as it once did about 7 years ago. The main difference between then and now is that I was so alone then... a new city with no friends and a small rented room.

Now... now I have an army. Friends. Girls. Trannies. BFF's. A 6th floor apartment overlooking the Capitol and downtown Denver. A daughter who will save the Universe. And I have my friend Sarah back.

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Next on the agenda - something I've put off... my vlog.

I feel it's important that my daughter Karma one day be able to look back and know what this period of our lives was like. With a mother 1000 miles away and a single dad raising her, I hold no illusions that this will be easy. I happily spin a dozen plates at once to grant her the illusion of stability in her life, so she doesn't grow up as I had to, bouncing around to relatives, moving every 6 months, changing schools just when I was making new friends. I live each day to put a smile of joy on her dear face. I want to show her one day, not to take her joy away, but as a way of letting her know that all I did was for her, and if there was something we had to do without - it was for a good reason. I welcome any and all advice on this.

Also - I turn 40 one week from today. It scares me that I feel like a scared 19 year old most of the time. Like I'm afraid that someone is going to find out that I'm only pretending to be an adult through some ingenious aging ray, or a misguided wish on a Zoltar machine.

In so many ways, I'm still a child in the sun... wishing for one more day of Summer.

Lonely road of faith

I have this amazing group of friends. The interactions we can all have, the groups within the groups, the spiderweb of personal ties. They can all be baffling to an outsider but to us they make perfect sense.

I will be friends with these people till I'm old and grey and can barely remember their names or how we became friends.

That would be why it's always hurt a little that my possibly-soon-to-be-ex-wife has never shown much of any interest in getting to that level of friendship with them. It's like you have this super-favorite song, you think it's the greatest song ever recorded, and this person you care so much about has no interest what so ever in listening to it. Beyond that, they think it's a ridiculous notion for you to even feel that way about it.

That's really only part of OUR problem, and not the point of why I'm writing. The point is, I see others in our group noticing this amazing chemistry we all have and reveling in it. I find myself jealous of having no one to reflect on it with.

Or share it with.

In a different time, and with a different group of friends, I had someone who enjoyed sharing that connection with me. I find myself tonight remembering that feeling, and maybe missing it a bit. I don't pretend to know what that means, but I do know that a lot of feelings these days look the same direction.

So I wonder tonight, is it possible to look to the past without looking backward? Are there really second chances in life? Can we dare to find answers in places we've already tried looking?

I can only assume that the darkness of winter holds a few surprises. Here's to finding answers in the damnedest places...

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Radio Waves

Sometimes I lay in my bed listening online to Big Sonic Chill from San Diego, and I can feel like a little lost child who can't quite remember home.

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dog

How is it that I can feel like I live a lifetime every weekend, yet I still feel like life is passing me by?

It starts....

Its starts with a haze... the haze becomes a fog... the fog becomes a whirlwind... the whirlwind creates an epicenter...

All of creation points to one singular point... that point is the beating heart of all that breathes. And there is where you find me. Saturday night. The heartbeat of 1,000 lions roaring in my ears. It happens. All around. I breathe it in. My Saturday.

Mystery pains

Somehow on a weekend where i specifically planned not to go out, I end up still feeling sore and a little worn on monday evening. This after not even getting out till almost midnight Saturday. I didn't even DANCE. That i remember.

I did have one of those really great late night talks with Markie. In the old days before the group got so big, it was always us at the end of each night just playing our music and talking about life. Those talks reaffirm my faith in the institute of best-friendship.

These pictures aren't from this week but they're fairly recent, I know Sarah was bugging for some.

Now: Pride Week. Time to bring it.

It's been a while...

I knew I'd be back, and I bet you did to.

It's been about 5 years since I posted anything of substance in the old journal I kept called "Babylon Fading". It was a different part of my life, and it burned me out all to quickly. Now... now, it's time to finally shine.

After all, isn't it better to burn out, than to fade away?